Maroons 48 – 4 Brunel

Tries: Pace 3, Simpson, Talbot, Johnston, Wilson, Yeomans, Garbutt

Goals: Johnston 6

The game began in the traditional style, with a kick off. Oxford responded with the less traditional immediate knock on courtesy of debutant pivot Alex Tometzki. The early pressure was weathered with the sturdy defence that has become a maroons trademark and before you could say “He doesn’t want it” the Maroons found themselves making inroads into the Brunel half. Adam Johnston, enjoying his first game without having his nose knocked off his face, picked out perennial threat Sam Plaice for a first score. Jimmy “Foot like a toblerone” Yeomans stepped up and confidently shanked the conversion wide and the score read 4-0 Oxford.

Hard yards by Alex “potato” Mash were rewarded with attacking field position and Dick Nodds flung a Ben Youngs-esque looping pass to another debutant Seb Turbot to touch down wide on the right. Jimmy, confidence shaken, handed kicking responsibility to untested newbie Adam “why does he keep sending that flaming goose for availability?” Johnston. Converted. 10-0.

Brunel offered little in attack and were met with nowt but shoulder. Hugh “huge” Garbutt gathered an offload from Johnston and weaved his way under the posts with agility belying his mighty bulk. The Maroons remained dominant and consistently gained yards through Will Osbourne, Mash and Christian “The clog” Holland before Johnston grabbed a meat pie for himself for 22-0. With confidence and flair growing by the minute Tometzki grew into the game feeding some tasty ball to the hungry, hungry outside backs. Yeomans, well fed, stepped inside and past most of the Brunel team to touch down for the Maroons 5th, conversion made for 28-0.

The onslaught continued and Rob Wilson stepped up in defence and melted a hapless Brunel Peter Crouch lookalike drawing a knock on and becoming visibly aroused. Sam “fish for hands” Plaice knocked on in promising attacking position but the mighty maroons held out and reclaimed possession feeding Harry Simpson on a line as fiery as his lid, who crashed over breaking his Sahara-level dry spell. The next set ended with Johnston hitting a short runner on 5th, claiming “kicking on 5th is for pussies”. Plaice soon added to his tally, crashing over from a penalty; what can you say the man has a nose for the line. Plaice loves tries, Brunel hate defending. Well demonstrated when shortly after, Plaice ran the softest of hard lines, bamboozling the defence and completing his hat trick off a silky silky Dan Smith Dan Smith offload.

Feeling left out, Wilson hit the hardest of hard lines off Johnston, scything through a paper thin defensive effort from the visitors. With the clock in the red, the maroons set for a scrum in their half hoping to secure that most coveted “0” on the score sheet for Brunel. In one final twist the visitors kicked on first tackle apparently catching the entire maroons outfit by surprise and touched down for their only score of the game. Final score 48-4.